Three Good Things

Recently, fellow blogger Coco wrote a lovely post, describing three things she liked about herself. Any reader of that post could consider themselves tagged to do the same. The challenge in writing these three good things is the focus on the “good”. Being prone to self-deprecation and constant disclaimers, I thought this would be a fruitful exercise for me.

It is an especially trying exercise in that I am today in the foulest mood I’ve experienced in a long time. I’m not sure whether it is fatigue, hormones, or simply that today was rough. Stuck between four walls with a little one who did not want to sleep. Naps are a mother’s respite in a stay-at-home routine. Naps offer a recharge of energy, of sanity. But, my Angel did not want to sleep today and so, no naps. I did not get a break. I’m not talking about a break to rest with my feet up or watch Oprah, but a break in baby pace that would have allowed me to cross things off my increasingly elastic To Do list and, selfishly, to be alone with my thoughts for a moment.

To add insult to injury, the Rebel was particularly insensitive to my plight when he got home from his own grueling day at work. At his “real” job. I will spare you my passionate perspective on the mommy wars. Needless to say, I am cranky. I am tired, needy, sore. Wishing my husband would grasp this and apologize for hurting my feelings without my having to hint or gripe about it. For once. I wish he would blast through my grumpy armor with a warm, cozy hug and bring me back into balance. Unfortunately, he is in the other room, absorbed by the television. Clueless and unaware, or doing a damn good job at pretending.

Ugh. Why did I start writing this post? I really would rather go curl up in bed with a good book. Or perhaps flip through myriad channels until I find suitable mindless entertainment.

But, this will be productive and beneficial for me. I will make it a therapeutic exercise of sorts, and determine how the Monster has helped shape these three good things, directly or inadvertently.

1) We will start with an a propos reminder: I am good at being the bigger person. I am able to step back from a conflict situation or argument, and evaluate the right and wrong, the pros and cons. I can analyze myself, my feelings, impulses, motivations — and recognize where I might have erred. I am not afraid to apologize. I can offer a truce or an invitation for calm discussion. I do not hold grudges.

Nope. I do not hold grudges. Even with the Monster. I may have a lot of unresolved feelings toward my father. But a grudge is not one of them. I have no ill will toward him, and am very proud of that fact. In fact, it makes me feel strong, whole, and like a good person to realize that while I carry the burden of many scars because of him, I do not wish him pain, misfortune or the same weight on his shoulders.

2) I can find something to like about everyone I meet. Being an adept judge of character, my first impressions are rarely proven wrong. Yet, even if my initial analysis of a person is overwhelmingly unfavorable, I often find myself seeking that one positive trait, that glimpse of a sympathetic feature. I always can. It does not mean I will like that person, or absolve them of responsibility for objectionable behavior. But, my empathy is a major participant when sizing others up and helps me accept and mesh with folks from all walks of life and all points on the spectrum of personalities. I am a frequent devil’s advocate.

I must engage in this behavior based on my past. Childhood in the shadow of a sociopath throws one for a loop. To reconcile my father’s demonstrations of antisocial, unloving behavior with his role as a “caregiver”, I must have jumped through hoops to find something to like about him. I hunted those positive traits. I hung onto them, like prized possessions. Old habits die hard.

3) One of my favorite qualities is my integrity. I think it is my strength, my guiding light, my depth. Here again, the Monster is an important formative influence. Witnessing his despicable behavior from an early age, I was acutely aware of his lack of ethics, dishonesty and emotionally abusive personality. I had no control over my father’s actions and words, but felt responsible for their destructive impact on others.

Listening to my conscience. Letting myself be guided by empathetic emotion. Putting myself in people’s shoes. Treating others like I would want to be treated. Trusting my compass, my sense of right and wrong. And putting my money where my mouth is. Sacrificing personal benefit for a greater good. That is how I live my life, and I cherish this about myself.

So, these are my three things. I can relate each of them to my father, and that is somewhat disturbing. He is after all and always a large part of who I am, including the three things I like most about myself. However, I take heart in noting that he is only part of these good things by virtue of having been an influence in my life, not an example or model.

I feel better. Foul mood averted. The Rebel fell asleep in front of the television. I am going to go wake him up with a kiss and we will go to bed. All forgiven and forgotten. Ready for a restorative night of sleep. And a new tomorrow.